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Sunday, June 7, 2009

Sad and conflicted

I have debated about writing about this at all, a trivial blog post from me seems ridiculous after all that has happened but I need to let out some of my feelings somewhere and I guess this anonymous forum is as good as any. Sorry, getting ahead of myself..

On Thursday afternoon I was in Victoria shopping with a visiting girlfriend, we were in the car, laughing and reminiscing when my cell phone rang. It was my husband calling from work, he was sobbing, and after some coaxing he told me that friend/co-worker/room mate was killed while driving on the highway in the afternoon. A drunk driver crossed the line and hit him head on, he was killed instantly. I only met this man a handful of times but he and my DH have been sharing an apartment for the past 8 months as they both worked shifts in the little isolated town. They would go hiking together a lot and being 25 years older than DH he was a father figure to him, he had a wife, children, and grand children. He was kind, funny, gentle, energetic and always smiling.

Since then my emotions have gone from concern for my DH's grief, intense relief that it was not my DH on that highway at that moment, guilt for feeling such relief, overwhelming sadness for his wife and family, intense anger at the man who chose to drive drunk (who is still alive in a local hospital), and a crippling desire to never let my DH out of my sight again. Yesterday we went to visit his wife. It was gut-wrenchingly sad to see her struggling to compose her grief and anger while those of us surrounding her had no words that would come close to expressing what we were feeling.

DH had to go back to work today - only one shift. He will be back tomorrow for four days. I have spent every minute since he left trying not to think about how, like our friends wife, I could lose him in a second. I am distracting myself my mindlessly cleaning and eating (sometimes at the same time). My chest, head, and stomach all feel like they are being squeezed by a vice. I have always been a person that believes every thing happens for a reason. It is still too close, I see not reason, purpose or fairness in this senseless tragedy.

So tonight, maybe you argued with someone you love, or were too busy or tired to take the time to tell them how much you love them or how much they mean to you. If they were gone in the next second, would you doubt that their last memory of you represented your true feelings? I know that from now on I will not let DH out of my sight without confirmation of our mutual love and contentment with each other.

Sorry to ramble on, I feel so selfish making this about me, but I have to do something to relieve this pressure.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is a natural response. It's shocking when someone dies so suddenly and senselessly. Things like that tend to reaffirm the preciousness of life.

Gina said...

I have been reading your blog for a long time, we are about hte same weight and I love how you try to recipes.
I just wanted to say that I hope you and your husband are ok. Thanks for sharing this post - I will hold my family memebers a little tighter tonight :)
THoughts and prayers,
Gina

fatty McButter Pants said...

Great reminder that life is so fragile and so we should be living like there was no tomorrow everyday.

my heart goes out to all those left to grieve.

Hanlie said...

You are so right! Every moment shared with our loved ones is precious... And it is such a shock to be reminded that death can happen at any time.

Anonymous said...

I can understand the way you are feeling.It's times like this that are humbling and make us realize that we need to show our love to those important to us and not sweat the small stuff. I'm sorry for your husbands loss and my deepest sympathy to all involved.

Chubby Chick said...

What a tragedy! I am SO sorry that this happened!

What you're feeling... what your DH is feeling... it's totally OK and totally normal. Grief is a process that must be worked through. Hang in there.

Lolly said...

I just discovered your blog so this is the first time I am commenting. I am sorry for the tragedy of your hubby's friend. Shocking to lose someone that way. Be strong for each other.

Blessings,
Lolly

Julie said...

It's normal to feel the way you do.
Just concentrate on living each day like it's your last... no regrets.

MargieAnne said...

I'm so glad you wrote here about what you are going through. Not everyone is able to express their feelings of grief and shock so clearly.

I'm sorry for the loss ... you will both miss this friend in so many ways and the shock of losing him to a drunk driver makes it so much harder.

Praying that you will find some comfort in friends and each other during the coming days.

Syl said...

It took me a while to respond to your post because it was hard for me to read. I know exactly how you feel. My dad passed away suddenly at at such a young age. I saw him on Sunday and he passed away the following friday.
All I can say is my heart goes out to you. Try and stay strong for your husband and deal with your grief too.
hugs to you