Sad and conflicted

I have debated about writing about this at all, a trivial blog post from me seems ridiculous after all that has happened but I need to let out some of my feelings somewhere and I guess this anonymous forum is as good as any. Sorry, getting ahead of myself..

On Thursday afternoon I was in Victoria shopping with a visiting girlfriend, we were in the car, laughing and reminiscing when my cell phone rang. It was my husband calling from work, he was sobbing, and after some coaxing he told me that friend/co-worker/room mate was killed while driving on the highway in the afternoon. A drunk driver crossed the line and hit him head on, he was killed instantly. I only met this man a handful of times but he and my DH have been sharing an apartment for the past 8 months as they both worked shifts in the little isolated town. They would go hiking together a lot and being 25 years older than DH he was a father figure to him, he had a wife, children, and grand children. He was kind, funny, gentle, energetic and always smiling.

Since then my emotions have gone from concern for my DH's grief, intense relief that it was not my DH on that highway at that moment, guilt for feeling such relief, overwhelming sadness for his wife and family, intense anger at the man who chose to drive drunk (who is still alive in a local hospital), and a crippling desire to never let my DH out of my sight again. Yesterday we went to visit his wife. It was gut-wrenchingly sad to see her struggling to compose her grief and anger while those of us surrounding her had no words that would come close to expressing what we were feeling.

DH had to go back to work today - only one shift. He will be back tomorrow for four days. I have spent every minute since he left trying not to think about how, like our friends wife, I could lose him in a second. I am distracting myself my mindlessly cleaning and eating (sometimes at the same time). My chest, head, and stomach all feel like they are being squeezed by a vice. I have always been a person that believes every thing happens for a reason. It is still too close, I see not reason, purpose or fairness in this senseless tragedy.

So tonight, maybe you argued with someone you love, or were too busy or tired to take the time to tell them how much you love them or how much they mean to you. If they were gone in the next second, would you doubt that their last memory of you represented your true feelings? I know that from now on I will not let DH out of my sight without confirmation of our mutual love and contentment with each other.

Sorry to ramble on, I feel so selfish making this about me, but I have to do something to relieve this pressure.